You Missed the Bus!

 coming soon

set draft three.

Yeah… How're you guys doing? Hello___________! You guys look great! - Especially you, Dear...  So, where are you from? __________. That's cool! I like it when people say it with pride! __________! I did a show in the San Fernando Valley the other day. I asked a guy where he was from and he says very proudly: Reseda! 

You're God dam right! When Tom Fuckin' Petty says Reseda in a song! take pride! I did a wedding reception in Michigan - and I do the where ya from thing and a guy jumps up, pumps his fist and yells: Pine Knob!  I'm like, relax dude, they didn't name it after you! Not as much pride for the ladies though... no. Second show, I asked a lady. Where's she from? She hangs her head... Pine Knob, all embarrassed. And of course, I'm no help. Oh, you're a Pine Knobian! You dirty little girl!

My agent, Charlie, books me at these resorts that were comedy hot beds... in the 30's. Charlie is so old.   He says, I'll be the next Lon Chaney when silent films make their comeback! He's so old - He pitched Mark Twain for the Last Supper! (I gotta keep math out of my jokes)

He booked me in the worst fucked-up city name of all - in Maine. 

I had a gig at a place called Dixville! No kidding, look it up! 

I was booked at a hotel in a nearby town. I met a cool lady, we hit it off, and I thought I'd like her to come to my show with me, so I says: I'd like to take you to Dixville! That girl was like Bruce fuckin' Lee with the pepper spray! "Wakkow". Thanks.

Yeah, but today's already been good. It’s been a wild day! I got up early today. I was with a beautiful lady… And we’re not that familiar with each other… It happens! I was making coffee. She says… Oh, you’re a morning person. She looked at me like I was a Reagan Republican! -Yes, my jokes are ripped from today's headlines. If you are a morning person, I guess that’s somehow admirable! “Yeah, I’m a morning person”! For us morning persons, there’s great pride in it. I (looks around). I get up at five o'clock in the morning! - Those people who aren’t morning people… do exactly the same thing I do, but at another time! She was NOT a morning person; she thinks it’s meaningless. So she says, okay, you could be here with me, in this comfortable bed, doing something unspeakable to me, and you’d rather “greet the day”? 

 And not having had my first cup of coffee yet, I come up with the old “Well, today is the first day of the rest-  You mean the thing with the Icy Hot and the pop rocks? She nods – I think I’ll let tomorrow be the first day of the rest of my life! Oh thanks… Yeah, I described us as not that familiar with each other because I had to keep us talking to each other at a minimum. Early on she started saying weird shit! You know... Newly invented words. I hate that shit! You want an example? We were walking a few blocks to get breakfast, and a homeless hobo hits us up for money. I  keep walking, I'm starving. She says – Give the man five bucks, he’s unhoused. I said he’s what? Un-What? Well, he's going to have to wait because -  I’m unbaconed! C’mon, let’s get past this. I’m hungry, that guy is fine, he's living in a refrigerator box, looks like a side-by-side! She says it was a Refrigerator box, but he Repurposed It. He did what to it??? Re-What?? 

You guys are a lot of fun… Yeah… This stand-up thing is a lot of fun. A lot of fun…. – Not a lot of money! Some of you guys in the audience know what I’m talking about. We comedians need to try to spend less than we make. But it's hard, we gotta pay nine dollars a drink just like the rest of ya. The secret is not to drink your check! One time here when it was my turn to buy, I spent $150.00 on pizza, $200 on drinks and 50 dollars on a hooker… What?  You didn’t think I was going to cheap out on the pizza, did you? So I spent about 500 dollars that night – the problem is -  it was open mike night! It caused a little discrepancy in the ledger, people. …See so, you don’t get paid for open mike night, so the math was hard…(I gotta keep math out of my jokes) But yeah, there're perks. There’s a certain celebrity with being a stand-up. “Hey Jim, who’s that drunk over there?” That’s no ordinary drunk, that’s Robert Holiday – he’s a stand-up!” Oh well, that’s different! Let’s go say hi”! Yeah all that alcoholic, living in your brother’s garage, piece a crap car, getting pepper sprayed at speed dating, All that loser shit gets washed away! Oh, he’s a stand-up! But with today’s technology, that’s all changed, hasn’t it? I'm a guest comic on podcasts and shit and, I and a lot of times I sit-down! So calling me a stand-up doesn't work, does it?  Hey Jim? Who’s that drunk over there? Oh, that’s no ordinary drunk, that’s Robert Holiday – he’s a sit-down! A sit-down? What does he do shit? Oh, thank you – thank you. Well, my time's about up, kids… Charlie’s waiving me off anyway; he doesn’t like scatological humor. Charlie's been an agent since 1932. Yeah, (I gotta keep math out of my jokes) , being a talent agent has been a gold mine for the old duck! Yeah, he drives a hybrid now! Yeah, it’s a wheelchair, a respirator, and a defibrillator! Before I go, I'd like to invite all y'all to my next show Friday in Boyle Heights. But be careful... Boyle Heights has so much crime, the pigeons wear bullet-proof vests!...   What? What? I didn't steal that joke. I repurposed it!